I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
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I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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