I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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