I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
