I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
