its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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