I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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