I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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