Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
