she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
