My underwear smells like fireworks.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
