so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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