My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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