I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
