I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This is my gift to your gina
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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