so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
