i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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