are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
