somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
