so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
