I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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