Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
