What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
