I want to walk on stilts...naked
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
