there's paper in my vomit.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
