went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
