Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
