I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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