I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
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We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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