My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
