the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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