it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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