his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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