there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
