There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
