Plan B is the new Plan A
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
