That's intense
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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