I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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