now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
