I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
