I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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