I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
