Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
