Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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