I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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