I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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