her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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