I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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