period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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