Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
