Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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