i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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