the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
