having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
