I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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