I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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