He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
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so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
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I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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